Do Kids With Autism Have Empathy?

Autistic child connecting with an adult

Do you sometimes wonder if your autistic child has empathy? You are not alone.

A friend of mine recently lost her 92-year-old mother. Understandably, it’s a profoundly sad time for her. She’s a single mom with an autistic teenage daughter, who spent much of her childhood raised by both her mom and her grandmother after my friend moved in with her mother following her divorce ten years ago. I asked how her daughter was handling the loss.

She replied, “Well, you know she has no empathy, so she’s doing just fine.”

It took everything in me to let that one slide by. My grieving friend did not need a lecture about autism and empathy in that moment. But it did cause me to reflect on where this pervasive idea comes from—and how, as professionals in the field of autism intervention, we have a responsibility to set the record straight.

For years, one of the most common beliefs about autism has been that autistic people lack empathy. This idea comes from the concept of mind-blindness—the claim that autistic individuals cannot understand or imagine what others are thinking or feeling. For many parents, this idea seems to line up with their experiences: a child who doesn’t seem to care about the death of a close family member, doesn’t comfort a crying sibling, or who makes blunt comments without seeming to notice they’ve hurt someone’s feelings.

But the research mind-blindness was based on has evolved and now science offers a different explanation. What looks like a lack of empathy is rarely an absence of it. More often, it’s empathy expressed differently, or empathy that gets lost in translation.

Where did the idea that autistic children lack empathy come from?

In the 1980s, psychologists Simon Baron-Cohen, Alan Leslie, and Uta Frith studied what’s called theory of mind—the ability to understand that other people can hold beliefs different from your own. They used the Sally-Anne test, where a child watches “Sally” put a marble in one place, then leave. “Anne” moves it, and the child is asked: Where will Sally look for the marble?

Many autistic children answered with the real location, not where Sally thought it was. From this, Baron-Cohen and colleagues concluded that autistic people struggle to imagine another’s perspective. In the 1990s, Baron-Cohen popularized the term mind-blindness to describe this difference.

Soon after, the concept got simplified and spread into everyday thinking: if autistic people don’t understand other people’s thoughts, they must also lack empathy. That leap—from lab experiment to sweeping claims about character—created a persistent but misleading and harmful stereotype.

Yes, kids with autism do have empathy. You just need to know what to look for.

Today’s research tells a much richer story:

• Cognitive empathy (understanding what someone else is thinking) can take more effort for autistic individuals, especially in fast-moving or subtle situations.

• Affective empathy (feeling with someone emotionally) is usually intact—and sometimes heightened. Many autistic people report feeling others’ pain so strongly it becomes overwhelming.

• Alexithymia (difficulty identifying and describing emotions) is common in autism. When present, it can make empathy look muted, but it isn’t the same as lacking it.

• The Double Empathy Problem (Damian Milton, 2012) reframes the issue: misunderstandings are not one-sided. Communication breakdowns happen between autistic and non-autistic people, not simply because of autism.

The takeaway? Autistic people do have empathy. It just may show up in ways that don’t match neurotypical expectations.

What empathy might look like in your autistic child

1. Problem-solving instead of comforting If you say you’re stressed about your computer crashing, your autistic child might immediately dive into troubleshooting—looking up fixes, offering to restart it, or telling you about backup systems—rather than saying “I’m sorry, that’s frustrating.” Their care might show up in action, not words.

2. Offering special interests as comfort When they notice you’re upset, they might bring you a favorite book, show you a meme, or start talking about their passion (dinosaurs, trains, a TV show). Sharing something that brings them joy might be their way of trying to make you feel better.

3. Literal support If you say “I’m tired,” instead of offering a hug, they might fetch your pillow, hand you a blanket, or tell you to go lie down. Empathy might be expressed by taking your words at face value and responding directly.

4. Silent presence Some autistic individuals show empathy by simply being there—sitting close, staying in the same room, or quietly engaging in a shared activity. They may not verbalize comfort, but their closeness is a sign of care.

5. Echoing or mirroring feelings If you’re sad, they might also start crying or showing signs of distress themselves. This isn’t self-centered—it’s affective empathy. They feel your pain so strongly that it spills over into their own emotions. 

   
   

From a neurotypical lens, these behaviors can look like insensitivity. From an autistic lens, they may be expressions of honesty, care, or simply differences in how social information is noticed and processed.

Sometimes empathy may show up as behavioral challenges

1. Emotional flooding Many autistic individuals describe “absorbing” others’ emotions so strongly that it feels like those feelings are their own. If someone nearby is sad, angry, or anxious, they may feel consumed by it. Without regulation tools, this can lead to meltdowns, shutdowns, or withdrawal.

2. Alexithymia and confusion If someone has difficulty identifying or labeling their own emotions (alexithymia), they might not even realize why they suddenly feel distressed. The mismatch between intense feelings and not understanding them can show up as irritability, yelling, or avoidance.

3. Fight, flight, or freeze responses Overwhelming empathy can activate the nervous system. Some kids may lash out (fight), bolt from the room (flight), or go silent and stop responding (freeze). These responses aren’t “bad behavior”—they’re stress responses.

4. Mismatch with expectations Adults often expect empathy to be shown through words or calm comfort. But for an autistic child, that same empathy might show up as tears, yelling “stop crying!” (because they can’t tolerate the other’s distress), or leaving the situation altogether.

   
   

What this means practically

• Challenging behavior does not equal lack of empathy. A child who lashes out at a crying sibling may actually be feeling too much empathy, not too little.

• Support with co-regulation. Help the child name what’s happening: “It feels really big when your sister cries, doesn’t it? Let’s cover our ears and take a break together.”

• Create safe exits. Give permission to step away when emotions get overwhelming. It’s a form of self-protection, not rejection.

• Model your own strategies. Show how you manage big feelings when someone else is upset (deep breathing, grounding, stepping outside for air).

  
  

A compassionate reframe

Rather than clinging to the idea the autistic children lack empathy, we can shift to a more compassionate and accurate perspective:

• See difference, not deficit. Autistic empathy is real—it just may not look like the neurotypical script.

• Learn your child’s “empathy language.” Maybe they fix broken toys, share their special interest, or quietly stay close when you’re upset. They may experience a meltdown or demonstrate behavior challenges that seem unrelated to the situation. Consider that these behaviors might be acts of care or a signal that they are feeling things in a big way. 

• Model and coach. Narrating emotions (“I’m sad because my friend canceled”) helps children connect cues with feelings over time.

• Meet in the middle. Remember the double empathy problem: both autistic and non-autistic people can adjust their communication styles to connect more effectively.

Final thoughts

The idea of mind-blindness came from early experiments, not from autistic people’s lived experiences. While it shaped decades of thinking, it’s ultimately an oversimplification that does more harm than good. Autistic individuals are not blind to minds—they often feel and care deeply, even if their empathy shows up in less conventional ways.

When we shift from asking “Why doesn’t my child have empathy?”

to

“How does my child show empathy?” we not only see them more clearly—we also nurture a relationship grounded in respect, trust, and love.

If you’ve ever assumed that your child is unable to empathize, you are not to blame. It’s a common misconception, reinforced by many parents’ lived experiences. I invite you to pause and consider the ways your child might be expressing empathy differently. Watch, ask, and listen—empathy can take many forms, and noticing it can deepen your connection.

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